Insanity.

So yesterday in Contemporary Issues of Science (I actually really love this class) Ms. Ryan amazed me by saying, "Do you guys realize that you're moving in like five different directions at the same time? The earth is rotating on its axis, and then it's revolving around the sun, which is part of a solar system that is shifting within the galaxy, which is changing position in the Universe, which is doing who knows what..."

Perhaps I can use this as an excuse for why I've been feeling so off center lately.

Runaway Dreams.

I hold most of my dreams within the confines of my heart. There, they beat with a steady rhythm; they pump my blood with a powerful perseverance, a constant force at the core of my body. But every so often these dreams go wild, grabbing my ribs and shaking them like a jail door, threatening to break loose. Then my heart starts beating in some irregular pattern and before I know it my dreams have seeped into my veins, occupied every corner of my body, gained full control of my entire being.

I will confess to you a secret -- at times like these, times when my dreams grow disproportionate with reality, I become afraid, terribly, terribly, afraid. And I begin to fear that if my dreams don't come true, they will leave me through a fountain of tears and there will be nothing left to pump my heart. Nothing left to circulate my blood, nothing left to keep the color in the my cheeks, nothing left to put the skip in my step, nothing left...of me.

Summer.

I heard my parents talking this morning about plans for the summer. They want to go back to Taiwan for a month. Normally, I'd greet such a vacation with irrepressible enthusiasm; but this morning when I heard we'd be going back for so long I felt so sad that I actually surprised myself. Eating out at delicious restaurants every day and shopping at night markets to my heart's content, spending time with relatives and cousins and falling into the habit of speaking fluent Mandarin. When have I ever thought about these experiences with apprehension?

It's only January and the fear of losing my friends (and losing what I see now as "precious" time with them) is already starting to creep up on me. I hear alumni talk about their friends - except now they always differentiate between "high school friends" and "college friends." I don't want to turn my back for a second and suddenly realize that my "friends" have become "high school friends" - as if they were a thing of the past. I know I don't really share this blog with many of my friends but if you are a friend (even one who I'm not close with) I hope you realize how much I value your friendship. I know I'm not the type to throw my feelings out in the open very often, but believe me, I am more attached to the people in my life than they will ever know, and as much as I love Taiwan, I sincerely hope I spend the bulk of my summer right here in East Brunswick with the people I love most.

Full Speed Ahead.

"There seems to be a kind of order in the universe, in the movement of the stars and the turning of the earth and the changing of the seasons, and even in the cycle of human life. But human life itself is almost pure chaos." --Katherine Anne Porter

Every day is crazier than the next, but we never give up. This amazes me. How did we end up on this planet? How do we get through every day without knowing what the meaning of life is? Do we even know what we're living for? I honestly don't know what the significance of my existence is - don't get me wrong, I don't mean this in the self-pitying I'm-a-useless-displacement-of-air kind of way, I mean I really see no real reason why humans exist at all, other than the simple cause and effect of a scientific miracle. And yet despite the fact that our entire race emerged out of a sheer accident, each one of us wakes up every morning to go to school or go to work, to get an education and to make money. Each one of us expends countless thoughts on plans for the future, blueprints of our dreams. Each one of us spends our high school lives working to get into college, our college lives working to get a job, and our careers working to get money, and use this money on our children so that they can do the same all over again. I'm not trying to be dismal; I don't think our lives are pointless. I guess I just find our daily scramble to be strangely amazing. We struggle to keep going even when we don't know where we're headed. Whether the sun is rising or setting, we chase the horizon until we run out of breath. Why?

Fail.

So today I showered with Victoria's Secret Pink Energizing Body Wash with Citrus and Mint. "Packed with U.S. - sourced Citrus and natural Mint to exfoliate and refresh, plus a boost of caffeine from Coffee Beans to energize." Funny, because I got out of the shower, went to my room, and fell asleep.

Piano.

So I'm playing this really hard piece right now for piano and I kind of suck at it. Anyways, at the end of my lesson this morning my teacher was like, "Do you want to keep playing this piece? I don't want you to be struggling with it if it's above your skill level. We can play something else..."

I find that sadly insulting. I mean I guess I figured that after taking lessons from her for the past 11 years or so, there was no piece that she would decide is "too hard for me." There are only so many notes, right? And each note corresponds to one key on the piano. Sure, it can be hard, but the basics are easy, so as long as you know how to play you can play just about anything - all you need is practice. At least that's the way I saw things. And even if a piece is "too difficult," how will I ever get better if I don't learn it?

But her lack of faith in me this morning was sort of disheartening. I hope I prove her wrong.

2011.

I forgot to make resolutions this year. I'll improvise as I go along.