Snow.

This morning after I finished breakfast I peeked out the window and, noticing that the weather seemed pretty decent and not too dangerous to drive in, went to my mom's room to tell her I was leaving for school. "Is it snowing?" she asked. "Nahhh." But then my mom looked out the window and suddenly out of no where there was this crazy snowstorm going on outside and the snow was already starting to stick. I told her it was fine, that it was mostly rain and not snow anyways, but she insisted on driving me to school.

I guess I was feeling a bit annoyed that she wouldn't let me drive (because we teenagers think we're so cool, obviously) but in any case, we left the house at around seven and were driving through the flurries when I realized she was actually right in not letting me drive. After we turned left from Gage Road onto Sullivan Way, the car continued sliding to the left and wouldn't stop. My mom responded by steering to the right, but then the car turned to the right and wouldn't stop turning either! This lasted all of about ten seconds probably, and there were no other cars nearby, but it was actually the first time I had been in a car so out of control before. Anyways, my mom spent the rest of the car ride to the high school ranting about how dangerous it was to drive in the snow. She was talking so much that I was actually worried that she wasn't paying attention to the road and that we'd get in an accident or something. When we arrived at the high school and I was getting out of the car, I realized she would be driving home by herself in the snow while clearly in a flustered mood, and suddenly got really concerned and told her to be careful driving home. I guess I know how she feels now, whenever I want to drive and she won't let me. Next time I won't get annoyed anymore. Next time I'll appreciate the fact that she cares.

TV.

Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my own life as it plays across a television screen. The problem is, someone else has the remote.

Shooting Star.

I remember the first time I learned what a shooting star really was. I guess I always thought it was really a star falling across the sky, something beautiful, something that glowed with the reassuring power to grant my wishes. The way I feel right now is the way I felt the day I realized a shooting star is really just a meteoroid burning through the atmosphere, an ugly boulder falling to its demise.

I tend to be too trusting, inevitably setting myself up for disappointment. I've always had incredible faith in humanity, but little by little this faith has begun to erode. In the past few years, my perception of the world around me has increased in pessimism, but in the past few weeks, I've been losing faith not only in the world but in myself. I've always prided myself on having good morals and always doing the right thing. I think it's become so much a part of who I am that people even expect it from me, but it pains me to think that they might be wrong. I feel like I've been making some bad decisions lately, that these bad decisions will become mistakes, and that these mistakes will define who I am.

"People are gonna disappoint you. I get that, I kind of expect that. But I don't know, what if you get up one day and realize that you're the disappointment?"

Change.

Change is good, I suppose. Sometimes you fall into such a regular pattern that you don't even know what you're doing anymore. Then suddenly you're looking at your life from an aerial view and it's like when you're in an airplane looking out the window and all you see is the blue, blue ocean to the north, west, east, and south.

Look at the seasons, how they're constantly changing. In a single month, the leaves will change into an array of orange, yellow, and brown colors, and then cease to exist at all. The branches will then be covered in thick layers of heavy snow but those feisty little leaves always fight their way back. Before you know it, the gray branches are speckled with little green sprouts and by the time school is out, every tree is covered in a luscious cluster of emerald leaves. It's a cycle of nature.

I guess we're a part of this cycle as well. At times, change is intimidating; sometimes, we crave it. Right now? I need it.

P.S. It's ridiculous how long I spent choosing a new layout for this blog, but I suppose that had to change too.

Character.

So I've come to realize that I'm a pretty bad judge of character. But what I've also come to realize is that my own character has been incorrectly judged as well. I seem to have acquired a reputation as "the nice girl," and for the most part, I suppose that's who I am. But I think people are confusing "nice" with "naive" -- and this bothers me. Can't someone be nice without being a pushover?

Insanity.

So yesterday in Contemporary Issues of Science (I actually really love this class) Ms. Ryan amazed me by saying, "Do you guys realize that you're moving in like five different directions at the same time? The earth is rotating on its axis, and then it's revolving around the sun, which is part of a solar system that is shifting within the galaxy, which is changing position in the Universe, which is doing who knows what..."

Perhaps I can use this as an excuse for why I've been feeling so off center lately.

Runaway Dreams.

I hold most of my dreams within the confines of my heart. There, they beat with a steady rhythm; they pump my blood with a powerful perseverance, a constant force at the core of my body. But every so often these dreams go wild, grabbing my ribs and shaking them like a jail door, threatening to break loose. Then my heart starts beating in some irregular pattern and before I know it my dreams have seeped into my veins, occupied every corner of my body, gained full control of my entire being.

I will confess to you a secret -- at times like these, times when my dreams grow disproportionate with reality, I become afraid, terribly, terribly, afraid. And I begin to fear that if my dreams don't come true, they will leave me through a fountain of tears and there will be nothing left to pump my heart. Nothing left to circulate my blood, nothing left to keep the color in the my cheeks, nothing left to put the skip in my step, nothing left...of me.