Worth.

Nobody reads this blog; nobody knows it exists. I rarely even write here; I have my diary to write in. But I realized why I like it anyways: it looks professional.

I like the way the letters are typed out neatly in a crisp, clear font. I like the way the paragraphs are lined up evenly, cropped by an invisible frame. I like the way the title is bolded as if I'm about to say something important. I like the way the date is recorded, like an officialy stamped document.

It creates a facade that makes my words almost seem worthy enough to read.

Flashforward.

For once, it's a Friday night where I don't need to worry about setting the alarm clock for a cross country meet the next morning. To satiate my boredom, I decided to watch the first two episodes of a new tv series, Flashforward, on Hulu. Halfway through the first episode, it was already my new favorite tv show.

The storyline emerges from a fateful 2 minutes on earth when every individual across the entire surface of the planet experiences what they call a "blackout" - eerie visions that feel more like memories than they do hallucinations. after chaos is restored and accounts of visions shared, it is determined that the 2 minutes witnessed during the blackout were windows into the future - flashforwards that told each person what they would be doing 6 months later. some people saw blessings -- a woman was receiving the news that she was expecting a baby girl - while others saw sins -- a faithful wife was having an affair with a man she didn't even know (yet). some saw nothing at all; 6 months into the future, they will be dead.

But this got me thinking...about fate. Is the future a reflection of determinism? Or is it free to be molded by our own free will? If you had a flashforwad, the person you saw in your vision would be the future version of the present you. However, the seeing of your future alters one in such a way that you are no longer the 'you' who corresponds with the future you saw in the flashforward; the 'you' in that flashforward never saw the future. Does this mean you have already changed your future...by seeing your future?

I don't believe in fate and determinism. Not because I have evidence, but because I don't want to; it just feels...wrong. if one person's life is already mapped out, the whole world's fate is already determined, as the fate of one person will affect that of the next, and the next, and the next. We'd be stuck, unable to break free of one's own fate without changing the fate of others. is it possible for every being on earth to be so dependent on one another? It seems too perfect to be possible.

There was more I wanted to write, and I had planned on using this free night to my full advantage, but my eyelids seem to be begging to close. good night...how horrible would it be if I woke up tomorrow morning and all my decisions were useless?

Identity.

My first blog post would probably be a good time to introduce myself, but I'm afraid that if I did, I'd start spewing lies. mind you, I'm a very honest person (lie number one?), but who I consider myself to be may not equate to who i really am. after all, what defines our identities? Our own wishful thinking, or the perceptions of others? It's been said that one is always the worst judge of oneself -- which would make the latter correct -- but my judgement is pretty faulty for more things than just myself, so for now I'll leave this question unanswered.

"So what kind of a person do you see me as?"
"You?" A furrowed brow. "I barely know you."
The smile was taunting. "That's why I'm asking."
After studying the questioner, "You're like them, always acting. So I guess I'll never know."
"Ah...you weren't listening. I asked who you saw me as, not who I am."
Raised eyebrows. "Then you admit that who you are is a fake?"
The smile widened. "Clever. I'm whoever you think I am, but that's hardly my fault."
"Well, who I think you are is someone still in search of an identity." Smug.
"Of course." A chuckle. "Isn't that why I'm asking you for an answer?"
Silence.